Effective
immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve
Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear
tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic
hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
2. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In
addition their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are
therefore eliminated.
3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
4. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call
waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how
often and how long they talked.
5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a
portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional
investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high
technology stocks appear to be in order.
6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has
long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the
decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection
procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be
a good one.
7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function
is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be
retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the
EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being sought. The more militant maids
consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit
the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as
these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
10. Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the expense of
international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this
group with ten out-of-work members of parliament. While leaping ability may be somewhat
sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed
members of parliament this year.
11 and 12. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a
simple case of the getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new
music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other
expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days
is inefficient. If we can drop shipping to one day, service level will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed
by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (thirteen
lawyer-a-suing), action is pending. [Ed. comment--is anyone surprised??]
Lastly, it is not
beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive.
Should that happen, the Board will request management scrutinize the Snow White Division
to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
--Courtesy of Debs Fun Pages |
